I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
