Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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