found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
