Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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