I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
