I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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