I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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