He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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