It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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