she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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