remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
