just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
