Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Two words: blizzard sex
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
