this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
