we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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