i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
