I CAN MOONWALK!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
