Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
