you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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