I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
