Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
