apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
