My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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