Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
