i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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