boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
