fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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