My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
