Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
