She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
