Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
