I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
