She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
