So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
