Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
