You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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