he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
