Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
