I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
