i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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