So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
