You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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