His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
even my farts smell like vagina
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
