I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Shame is for Republicans.
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