Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
