Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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