guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
