Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
