The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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