There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
